Last week the Iowa Roadie turned 50.
My special day was heralded with some well-meaning birthday cards…and a membership solicitation from the AARP.
The day also came with the realization that if asked for my ID, the server would not be verifying that I was legal to drink…but instead checking to see if I qualify for the senior citizen discount.
Happy birthday to me!
In any case, a birthday–especially one of this magnitude–requires a celebration. So the Iowa Roadie’s husband not only planned a long weekend trip to the Eau Claire/ Chippewa Falls, Wisconsin area BUT presented me with a birthday crown and sash.
As I had never known the joy of being crowned Homecoming Queen (or even the Pork Queen at the county fair), this was my first time feeling the rush that comes with a make believe tiara.
You know what else comes with wearing a cheap crown and sash?
Free Drinks.
I may turn 50 EVERY weekend!
Now the thing about an extended birthday weekend is that there is too much material for a blog. Therefore…I am going to present the Highlights.
(If this were Sports Center, you’d be excited right now.)
SO…
Highlight #1: People think the Iowa Roadie’s husband looks like Brett Favre.
Truth be told, I am not sure this is a “highlight” for me. Because why would a superstar quarterback be stuck with a frumpy, slightly obese wife (even if she is wearing a crown and sash?) There is a certain insecurity that comes with this claim.
Thank goodness for the confidence a gin & tonic bestows.
In fact, people were SO impressed with my Brett Favre imposter husband, that they started taking pictures with him.
And posting them to social media.
I’m not sure if those pictures went viral…or were flagged by the Facebook fact checkers.
Regardless, that weekend my husband’s ego expanded faster than my waistline after eating a jumbo order of Wisconsin’s famous cheese curds.
Highlight #2: Hammer Schlogging
Without a doubt, hammer schlogging was invented with the help of one too many Spotted Cows.
It is a competition that involves driving a nail into a stump…using the claw portion of the hammer.
The person with the last nail standing buys his (or her) fellow hammer schloggers their next drink.
Fortunately the Cheeseheads underestimated the Iowa Roadie husband’s carpentry skills. They did not know that we gutted and remodeled THREE houses.
That involves a lot of nails.
Two hits and my husband’s nail was buried in the stump.
TWO.
Unfortunately the birthday girl lacked the aforementioned hand tool skills. (This is because my husband recognizes my horrific lack of hand/eye coordination & relegates me to being his assistant.
As his assistant, I stay very busy handing him nails.
And beer.
Fortunately my birthday crown & sash negated me from having to buy my fellow hammer schloggers a drink. Instead this financial burden fell upon a fellow hammer schlogger who also lacked vital fine motor skills.
His occupation: a doctor.
Highlight #3: Just Say No to Drugs
Besides the fine doctor, we also met a very personable young lady who not only bought me the obligatory birthday shot…she offered me edible marijuana.
And ecstasy.
Thank goodness for Nancy Regan & 5th grade DARE.
I was able to “just say no” without offending my new friend.
Also…when she went to the bathroom…I snuck out of the bar without telling her.
Fashion 101: an orange jumpsuit does not pair well with a birthday crown & a felony drug charge.
Highlight #4: A Bloody Good Time
Want to catch an early morning buzz without judgment? Bloody Marys are a socially acceptable way to consume alcohol at the breakfast table.
By nature, I am not a Bloody Mary fan. Too much confusion…is the tomato a fruit or a vegetable? Food should not have an identity crisis.
But at 50 years old, I need all the vitamins I can get. So in one day, I sought out two of the best Bloody Mary’s the area had to offer.
First up was Big T’s. On Sundays they sell $5 Bloody Mary’s that have been described as “a lunch buffet on a stick with a side of alcohol.” Bacon, shrimp, cheese…even a Laffy Taffy. It’s hard to argue with a cocktail that tells jokes.
The other Great Bloody Mary was at the Chippewa Falls Distillery. Although their drink did not include a candy treat, it was made with ones choice of their flavored vodka. This included flavors like horseradish, dill, bacon & garlic.
The Iowa Roadie not only enjoyed a delicious cocktail…but purchased six different bottles of alcohol to bring home.
We also met a trio of girlfriends at the Chippewa Falls Distillery who were planning their own “half century “ birthday party. They admired my crown & sash, and I promised to mail them these items when I was done wearing them.
I did not provide a concrete timeline for when this might happen. Afterall there are lots of places that warrant a crown & sash.
In fact… the Iowa Roadie will be at the Iowa State Fair down in Des Moines in August. Look for me in the beer & wine garden wearing my beloved birthday crown & sash.
And sitting next to Brett Favre.
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